Survivor's diary - chapter eight. Stop self sabotaging
This is my survivor's diary, chapter eight, and things seem to become better now, at least it looks like it.
I try to move slowly, listening to my mind and body, doing as much things and in that order that is suitable for me right now, with no rush and pressure. Self pressure used to be one of my biggest sins, and actually a huge self sabotage. But this habit is as strong as a self harm habit may be - you don't get rid of it easily, but I'm learning. The thing is - I perfectly know that I can't live even under slightest pressure. And when I don't have one - I can do twice, three times more, than I would do being pressed on. But I continue self sabotaging - pressing on myself, and as a result I have art blocks, depressive episodes, self harm and full head of negative thoughts. This time I decided to act differently. Now I have an opportunity to study what's better for me, and I plan to use it. Slowly, step by step, with baby steps.
Here I must say that these baby steps are especially hard for someone who used o have manic episodes, when your productivity breaks the roof and flies to space. Now I can't remember when I had one for the last time, and have to learn to survive without them. I wish I could explain how hard it is. It's like Superman lost his superpowers. But well, I learn, I learn to deal with it. My doc says the older person with BPD becomes - the less manic episodes and more depressive episodes are coming That's really sad for me, but well, this is how my brain works, I need to learn to accept myself and learn how to be productive in this new skin.
See you in the next post!